Sitting with Homesickness

Within a week I was sitting on my bed crying because I missed home, something I've never done before despite having been on my own.  It was a gentle cry, a soft yearning for something to which I had said goodbye just a week before.  It wasn't nostalgia, nor was it discomfort elicited by a lack of things from home. No, that day, I was simply lonely. So I did some chores, and I did my homework for the weekend, and I ignored the voice that told me to invite friends to go find something to do in town. Thankfully, I also ignored the voice telling me to call home and tell my family how much I missed them. That would have to wait because I just wasn't up for that conversation. As I finished up what I had to do around home, I dried my own tears and let my mind wander. I could have wasted time trying to figure out what was making me feel lonely, but I knew that that would lead only to me figuratively kicking myself for feeling that way when I am here. Instead, I embraced this feeling as a blessing and began to realize how seldom it is that we are fully cognizant of our emotions. Today, I was lonely. And today, I wouldn't ignore that feeling.

When I allowed myself to acknowledge and accept that I was lonely, I learned a lot about myself as much of a cliché as that might seem. First, I realized that loneliness didn't mean I was doing something wrong.  It wasn't this emotion against which I was supposed to guard myself but was unsuccessful because I was weak. No, loneliness, I learned, is a human emotion that I was feeling simply because I'm human.

When I allowed myself to acknowledge and accept that I was lonely, I learned also that I am completely and independently responsible for my happiness. There was no big event that day with which I could busy myself, no television that was playing in the background while I was doing my laundry (although that's rarely the case at home...), and my host mom had gone to a neighboring town for the day. I had a choice to make. I could stay in my apartment and think about what is making me lonely, or I could figure out what would make me happy and do it. And so I did. I worked out followed by a walk around the city and decided to go to the farmer's market in town without asking anyone to go along. I did run into a friend in town and she came with me, but I had been fine with being alone. Realizing that I was okay with being alone even when I was lonely was a surprisingly satisfying feeling.

On the way home, I stopped by the snack bar where I see Paulo, the elderly shop owner, everyday on my walk home from school. I never buy anything from his store but stop in everyday for a pat on the cheek, a warm smile, and a kind and patient conversation in which he helps me practice my Italian. Today, when he asked "How are you, Bellissima?" instead of the usual "Sto bene," I told him that I was homesick and missed my family. He gently smiled and told me that it wasn't so and that Perugia was here. Knowing that I have started to feel like I have a family here so quickly, even if it isn't the same as home, is rather comforting and beautiful. This helped me to realize that even though I was able to rely on myself, having support from others never hurts.

For brevity's sake, I won't create a list of the ten things I learned. I think the above sums it up well. I was lonely, and I embraced it, learned from it, and refused to ignore it. I am not weak for being lonely but rather strong for embracing it.  Sitting with loneliness taught me to sit even more comfortably with myself.